Falcons vs Panthers:
This may just be the year for Georgia sports. The UGA Bulldogs are undefeated and looking better, the Atlanta
Braves have as good a shot as anyone to win the World Series and refuse to lose with Kris Medlan pitching, and the Hawks dumped Average Joe Johnson and Starvin Marvin Williams. Even if every Georgia team lost every game from here on out, dumping Joe and Marvin would be cause for a championship parade. Meanwhile, in the NFL, the Dirty Birds are flying high
and perched atop the NFC with an undefeated record. Matt Ryan has been a maestro this year, conducting a symphony of an offensive explosion to the tune of 793 yards passing and 8
touchdowns. Even Superman Cam Newton can’t fly that high. Falcons 28-10.
Patriots vs Bills:
The Patriots sit at the top bottom of the AFC East at 3-0 1-2. Suddenly the loss to the Cardinals looks a little better
after Arizona dismantled the Philadelphia Eagles. But the real reason the Pats have been losing is the replacement refs. Let’s be honest: they never got the memo that the real refs have. They didn’t know that the Pats are supposed to get every call. Every call. The refs and rules committee base their days and calls and new rules around Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. But thank God the real refs are back. So for that reason, and the fact that the Buffalo backfield has some Cleveland-esqe bad juju, (injuries to CJ Spiller and Freddy Jackson) I got the Patriots 21-13.
Vikings vs Lions:
Welcome to the Injury Bowl 2012. This could be an entertaining game, depending on the health of a few
stars. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Lions QB Matt Stafford is struggling with health; Vikings RB Adrian Peterson is struggling coming back from an ACL injury, and I’m sure Vikings WR Percy Harvin is fighting a migraine as we speak. So what should be the Stafford-Calvin Johnson show vs All Day Adrian Peterson could become Shaun Hill vs Christian Ponder. Let that marinate for a minute. Lions 21-18.
Chargers vs Chiefs:
Jamaal Charles. That’s it. Since I didn’t post my week 2 review let’s backtrack real quick. In week 2 I said he would explode and he absolutely did not. So in the review I asked if anyone saw him to please call KC police, so that he can be reunited with his family and loved ones. I was so upset with my favorite player in the
league that I benched him on all my fantasy teams. Well, I don’t know how he got word of that, but it pissed him off apparently. He pulled off a 91 yard score en route to 233 yards and a billion fantasy points, while I watched the game in tears. It felt like a bad breakup, like he was running wild just to spite me, pulling up in his new fancy car and flaunting his newfound freedom. Jamaal I’m sorry. We can work this out. Chiefs 24-21.
Seahawks vs Rams:
Every NFL fan owes Seattle and Golden Tate a giant thank you for last Monday Night’s game. Had it not been for Tate breaking several
NFL rules, and the replacement refs “forgetting” the rules, during his now infamous winning touchdown against the Packers, we would still have the replacement refs. That play single handedly resulted in the mass firing of the replacements, and the scramble to sign the original ones. Had Tate just tried to catch the ball legally we would be in the same boat as last week. So, thank you Golden Tate, for allowing us to finally forget about the replacements and focus on the game. You know, unless you’re a Packers fan. Seahawks 20-7.
49ers vs Jets:
These are the Jets:
- They have a glorified fullback trying to play quarterback
- That same quarterback trying to play wide receiver
- The best cornerback in the game got hurt without getting touched
- The third running back is that cornerbacks replacement
So, yeah. Meanwhile the 49ers are an early favorite to win the Super Bowl. Do I smell upset? No, that’s just the smell of Rex Ryans foot fetish again. 49ers 28-14.
Titans vs Texans:
Chris Johnson is the most perplexing player in the league. Just a few seasons ago he was on a collision
course to break rushing yard records. But then…. nothing happened. He didn’t get hurt, he didn’t get traded, he didn’t lose his mojo to the MonStars as far as we know. He just fell off. 33 carries, 45 yards. FOR THE SEASON! Someone call Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny. Texans 30-9.
Raiders vs Broncos:
Let’s be honest: Peyton Manning doesn’t have it anymore. He’s chucking ducks out there; he’s not throwing as hard as before or as accurate. And the sad part is, even after 4 neck surgeries and the noticeable fact that there is NO velocity on his throws, Denver fans would still rather have him than Tim Tebow. If only Jets fans were (as) smart. All the signs point to the Raiders, except the sign that says It’s The Raiders, plus I can’t bet on Peyton starting 1-3. The NFL won’t allow it, even without replacement refs. Broncos 17-14.
Dolphins vs Cardinals:
Wow. Who would’ve thought this game would have any significance? The Cardinals, quarterbacked by Kevin Kolb (?!) are 3-0. This
can’t be reality. Clearly, the Mayans are trying to tell us something. How can I possibly pick against Kevin Kolb? He beat the Patriots, single handedly dismantled Phillys Dream Team, and isn’t even getting the ball to Larry Fitzgerald. Is the world over yet? Cardinals 27-19.
Saints vs Packers:
The Saints are the embodiment of the replacement refs. They don’t have their head coach (arguably their MVP at this point), or defensive star Jonathan Vilma. They also don’t have a win in three tries. Just like with the replacements, watching New Orleans doesn’t feel authentic. It’s as if they have no idea what’s going on. I don’t see how they could possibly beat the Packers, who are sure to still be pissed by the Seattle Screwjob from Monday. Packers 35-21.
Redskins vs Buccaneers:
Robert Griffin the Third. That is it, that is all. Redskins 27-20.
Giants vs Eagles:
In all seriousness, I just realized the Eagles have a winning record. How is that possible? Arizona rocked them, and Mike Vick tried to lose against the Browns, but that didn’t happen thanks to Clevelands Brandon Weeden trying to lose a little bit better than Vick. But the Giants and Eagles are tied at 2-1. That blows my mind. I mean, sure, Eli Manning and
the GMen haven’t made football look pretty this year, but they’ve been better than Philly. When Eli throws three picks, he also throws three touchdowns and goes back to being Butters Stotch. When Vick throws three picks, he throws another one and fumbles, all while getting hurt again. But these teams have identical records? Giants 33-30.
Bears vs Cowboys:
I’m afraid for Jay Cutler. Not because I know DeMarcus Ware and the Cowboys defense will kill him on Monday, but because I know the Bears offensive line will allow it to happen. Not only are they horrible, possibly the worst o-line in football, but Cutler constantly shows them up and berates them on the sideline. Would you want to protect someone that keeps yelling and crying and bitching at you? That’s the best way to get your ass kicked. So get ready Jay, this may be the first time an offensive lineman is the game leader in sacks- of his own quarterback. Cowboys 23-16
Thursday Night Football:
Ravens vs Browns: Ravens 23-16
No surprise, the Ravens won. Surprise, it was close for a while. The main story of
the game was the refs getting a standing ovation. Glad they’re back, but it’s a shame they were gone in the first place. It completely ruined the first few weeks of the season. If you don’t have all the components to play the game, don’t play!
On BYE this week: Colts and Steelers