Panthers vs Falcons
Prediction: Falcons 28-10
Score: Falcons 30-28
Memorable Quote: Matt Ryan has been a maestro this year, conducting a symphony of an offensive explosion to the tune of 793 yards passing and 8 touchdowns.
Matt Ryan once again had a great game, throwing for 369 yards and three scores, including a nifty dump pass to Michael Turner for 60
yards. But the real star, for me and my fantasy team anyway, was Roddy White. Hot Rod had 8 catches for 169 yards and found the endzone twice. White had the game changing catch of 59 yards from the Atlanta 1 yard line with under a minute left. He absolutely abused Carolina cornerback Captain Munnerlyn all game, who was last scene at the Charlotte Town Hall filling out a name change request due to his demotion. Maybe First Commander Munnerlyn will fare better next week.
Patriots vs Bills
Prediction: Patriots 21-13
Score: Patriots 52-28
Memorable Quote: The Patriots sit at the top bottom of the AFC East at 3-0 1-2.
When the Patriots play like this it’s hard to believe that they’re at the bottom of their division, a division they’ve owned for the past decade. New England was getting shellacked in the third quarter, trailing 21-7, and looked like a dynasty in shambles. But midway through the third Tom Touchdown Jesus Brady found a way to rally the troops and lead the Patriots to 5 unanswered touchdowns. The best of which was Tom Terrific’s 4-yard rushing score, which looked like it took place in quicksand. Not only were the passing stats there (340 yards, 3 TDs, 0 INTs), but the rushing stats were amazing. Rookie runningback Brandon Bolden exploded for 137 yards and 1 touchdown, and starter Stevan Ridley went wild for 106 yards and two scores. If the Pats play like they did the last quarter and a half for the rest of the season, New England could be looking at ring number 4.
Vikings vs Lions
Score: Vikings 20-13
Memorable Quote: I’m sure Vikings WR Percy Harvin is fighting a migraine as we speak.
For those that don’t know, Percy Harvin has had many migraine issues throughout his career with the Minnesota Vikings. However, for
those that still don’t know, he’s also had an extensive history of being one of the most versatile players in the league. He showed that on Sunday but returning the opening kickoff 105 yards for a score. That was pretty much the excitement of the game, save for another return touchdown for the Vikings in the second half. Minnesota kept the Matt Stafford-Calvin Johnson Show silent, as Megatron only had 50 yards receiving. The Vikings actually lead the NFC North as we speak. Yep, it’s the Mayans.
Chargers vs Chiefs:
Prediction: Chiefs 24-21
Score: Chargers 37-20
Memorable Quote: It felt like a bad breakup, like he was running wild just to spite me, pulling up in his new fancy car and flaunting his newfound freedom. Jamaal I’m sorry.
Well, Jamaal and I are still trying to work this whole “favorite player” relationship out. He had a good game, 92 rushing yards and a rushing touchdown to go along with 23 receiving yards and another score. But there’s still some form of resentment there, as Jamaal found a way to cough the ball up twice. But we’re looking to start taking the good with the bad. Sure he had two turnovers, but he had two scores, so all is forgiven. As for the Chiefs losing the game; maybe their a year or so away. I still feel they have the talent, but maybe not enough time together yet. Remember, Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry missed last season, so they still need more time to gel. Kansas City will be a problem soon. But for this season it looks like San Diego may just once again win the AFC West.
Seahawks vs Rams
Prediction: Seahawks 20-7
Score: Rams 19-13
Memorable Quote: That play single handedly resulted in the mass firing of the replacements, and the scramble to sign the original ones.
There was no controversy on Sunday, no 4thtimeout for Pete Carroll, no late game heroics for Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson. The
MVP of this game wasn’t the replacement refs, real refs, or any guy wearing a Foot Locker shirt. The Most Valuable Player was easily St Louis’ Greg Zuerlein. That’s right, Greg Zuerlein. Don’t know who that is? Google him. I’ll wait. In the meantime, last weeks hero Golden Tate had one catch for seven yards. So it seems like everything is back to normal. Oh, and as for our MVP Zuerlein, he’s the St Louis kicker who had 4 field goals from 24, 48, 58, and 60 yards. MVP! MVP! Now you know.
49ers vs Jets:
Prediction: 49ers 28-14
Score: 49ers 34-0
Memorable Quote: Meanwhile the 49ers are an early favorite to win the Super Bowl. Do I smell upset? No, that’s just the smell of Rex Ryans foot fetish again.
Even Rex Ryans foot fetish smells better than the Jets this season. Mark Sanchez, onetime called The Sanchize, was horrible, throwing for only 103 yards and an interception. Their leading rusher, Shonn Greene, had an underwhelming 34 rushing yards. And their “top” receiver Santonio Holmes is out for the year with a Lisfranc foot injury. Honestly, I’ve never heard of that. It’s like on King of the Hill when Bobby Hill had gout and dressed his toe up as a French lady. This is your 2012 NY Jets ladies and gentlemen.
Titans vs Texans:
Prediction: Texans 30-9
Score: Texans 38-14
Memorable Quote: But then…. nothing happened. He didn’t get hurt, he didn’t get traded, he didn’t lose his mojo to the MonStars as far as we know.
I’m not going to lie; I slammed Chris Johnson in the preview. Deservedly so, because he’s been horrible, even dating back to last season.
Well he showed a glimpse of hope late in the game, after they clearly lost, by rushing for 141 yards on 25 carries. Maybe Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny helped him a little bit, but he’s not out of the MonStars grasp yet. Not until Lola Bunny makes an appearance. We’ll see how next week goes.
Raiders vs Broncos:
Prediction: Broncos 17-14
Score: Broncos 37-6
Memorable Quote: All the signs point to the Raiders, except the sign that says It’s The Raiders, plus I can’t bet on Peyton starting 1-3.
For the record, nothing EVER points to the Raiders. They wouldn’t be the Raiders otherwise. Darren McFadden started the season out strong, but in true Raider fashion he has fizzled as of late. And Peyton Manning, he of the noodle arm and four neck surgeries, obliterated a somewhat competent Oakland defense to the tune of 338 yards and 3 touchdowns. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Cardinals vs Dolphins:
Prediction: Cardinals 27-19
Score: Cardinals 24-21
Memorable Quote: Wow. Who would’ve thought this game would have any significance?
Not only did this game hold significance, it was arguably the most entertaining of the weekend. Dolphins receiver Brian Hartline went
ham, exploding 253 yards and a touchdown. Miami quarterback Ryan Tannehill threw for 421 yards, and running back Reggie Bush added 67 yards on the ground. But it wasn’t enough, thanks to, wait for it, I don’t want to say it, ok here it goes….Captain Clutch Kevin Kolb. Oh I feel gross saying that. On fourth down, with 22 seconds left, he threw a 15 yard touchdown to Andre Roberts to force overtime. I still can’t believe the Cardinals continue to win. I still can’t believe Kevin Kolb is a starting quarterback, let alone a winning one. I still can’t believe it’s not butter.
Bengals vs Jaguars:
Score: 27-10 Bengals
Somehow I forgot to preview this game. But trust me, I would have had the Bengals winning, by a lot more than they did. For starters, their quarterback is probably the most famous NFL Redhead. Secondly- Wide receiver AJ Green, in only his second year, may be a top 3 receiver already. He killed me in fantasy football last week, posting 20 points to help me feel worse about benching Jamaal Charles and his 25 points. Well, this week he had 117 yards and another touchdown. He’s unstoppable. The Cincinnati Christmas ComboTM Barrett-Blacque2012 (REDhead Andy Dalton and AJ GREEN) has been the most lethal QB-WR duo in the league. And it’s just beginning.
Saints vs Packers:
Prediction: Packers 35-21
Score: Packers 28-27
Memorable Quote: Just like with the replacements, watching New Orleans doesn’t feel authentic. It’s as if they have no idea what’s going on.
This was actually a lot closer than I expected, as Green Bay actually had to come back to win it. Drew Brees had a great game for the
Saints, throwing for 446 yards and 4 touchdowns. But kicker Garrett Hartley missed a go-ahead field goal with less than three minutes left to secure the win for the Packers. This begs the question: Are the Saints tanking this season? They’re 0-4, 4 games behind division leading Atlanta, and don’t seem to be heading anywhere. Say they take this season off, secure a top 10 draft pick, shore up their defense, and suddenly start contending next season. I don’t put anything past the mind of suspended coach Sean Payton these days.
Redskins vs Buccaneers:
Prediction: Redskins 27-20
Score: Redskins 24-22
Memorable Quote: Robert Griffin the Third. That is it, that is all.
Ok, RG3 was RG3; he did what he had to do to lead the Skins to the win. But it didn’t have to be that close. Kicker Billy Cundiff missed 3 field goals earlier in the game, leaving 9 points on the board. Griffin led Washington down the field to set up Cundiff for a miss-and-not-only-will-we-whoop-you-but-you’ll-be-out-of-a-job game winning 41 yarder that he thankfully converted. Man, can you believe how embarrassing it would be for your quarterback to do everything in his power to lead the team down the field to win it, and you just shank the kick? Oh wait…
Giants vs Eagles
Prediction: Giants 33-30
Score: Eagles 19-17
Memorable Quote: I mean, sure, Eli Manning and the GMen haven’t made football look pretty this year, but they’ve been better than Philly.
Philly and New York are your two less attractive friends that somehow keep getting hotter girls than you. You don’t know how they do it,
they don’t have smooth lines, they don’t do gentlemanly things, but somehow they end up with the pretty girl at the end. Neither of these teams makes football look good. Eli had a horrendous interception late in the game, and Vick played just about average. But the real ugliness of it all was Lawrence Tynes missing the game winning kick, on his SECOND ATTEMPT!! He had two tries, and couldn’t convert either time.
Bears vs Cowboys:
Prediction: Cowboys 23-16
Score: Bears 34-18
Memorable Quote: Would you want to protect someone that keeps yelling and crying and bitching at you? That’s the best way to get your ass kicked.
I don’t know if Bears quarterback Jay Cutler had a heart to heart with his offensive line, maybe bought them some flowers, some champagne, took them for long walks on the beach, but whatever he did it worked. They only allowed 2 sacks, and somehow actually looked like they wanted to block for him. Not only did they not
let him die, they actually made him look better than Tony Romo. Romo, one of LeBron James’ favorite players on his favorite team, managed to throw not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 interceptions, two of which were returned for touchdowns. This was a showing of two mediocre QBs that somehow get lumped into the good-to-great quarterback grouping, which I just can’t understand.